True Lies
by Phoenix Of Hope
Summary: At 17, all Lily wants to for James Potter to leave her alone. After a potions accident, Lily isn't sure what to think anymore. In fact, she isn't sure if she can even trust herself to think...


"True Lies" By Ricca  
  
So I never wanted to fall in love, right? Wrong. Well, it took me a really LONG time, and somehow, just somehow, I fell in love with the one boy I would have given anything to make his life miserable. Of course, he lived to make mine so too, though not in the same sinister way that I did. No, James Potter wanted me to date him, and has since we were 13, and he started liking girls. Of course that was too late for me, I began liking boys at 11, and once had the biggest crush on James. Nothing he could say wasn't funny enough, nothing he could do not perfect enough. Then, reality set in. James didn't like me, so I forced myself to get over him, find someone else to crush on. unfortunately, there wasn't anyone. So I went back to obsessing over my muggle movie stars, in their every airbrushed flawlessness. But back to present day, well, James seemed to think the world revolved around him, and everyone served he and his friends, and of course, that I should be dating the great James Potter. I didn't quite agree.  
  
Ok, so that was just putting it mildly. I hated the thought, after how he treated me these past years he EXPECTS me to just forgive the past and date him? I don't forget easily, and I don't want to. I live in the past, it makes me who I am. I am, Lily Evans. ~*~  
  
I went to Platform 9 ¾ that day, September 1st, like I do for the beginning of every school year. This is my last year, and as I dwell on the thought, tears spring to my eyes. I try to hurry onto the scarlet train, but my heavy trunk impedes my progress. Figures. I bow my head down; thankful for my dark red hair that blinds my face from prying eyes. I have no friends to help me, and I want none.  
  
Well, that is not entirely true. When I desire human company my roommates serve very well, but most often, I am at peace with my writing, my art, myself. I need no one.  
  
So I am dragging my trunk onto the train, when someone picks up the other end to help me. I whirl around. It's James.  
  
"Go away." I sneer at him, who does he think he is, not even asking first?  
  
"Just trying to help. Which compartment?" James takes the other end from me, and walks ahead down the corridor where I point. I quickly dry the tears on my cheeks.  
  
"This one, if it's empty." I said hollowly and James peered inside the small room.  
  
"Its clean. Look, Lily, if you want someplace to sit, you can always sit with me you know." James grinned and looked at me with lusty eyes. I took my trunk and turned my back. He was halfway down the train before I whispered "Thank you." I am polite, though many think I'm not. People just don't pay enough attention. When I am meditating, I can practically hear other's thoughts. That takes real concentration, and I have mastered it. I am my own master, and have powers that others can only dream about; it is all simply from being alert, and paying attention. I know more than anyone thinks.  
  
The door to my compartment slid open, when there was less than an hour left to our trip to Hogwarts. I hadn't been bothered all trip, thinking my thoughts, spinning my tales and dreaming my dreams.  
  
"Oh, sorry Lily, didn't know you were in here." Sirius Black stumbled in, and shut the door behind him, locking it. He peered out the glass pane in the sliding door, as if looking for someone.  
  
"May I help you, Mr. Black?" I prefer to call people by their proper name, if I must address them at all; I try to avoid that. And being Head Girl this year, I have all the more reason to.  
  
"Just let me stay for like 5 minutes, James is on the warpath." Sirius laughed. It sounded much like a dog's bark. Sirius is much like a dog; I could see his animagi being one. I sighed and looked out the window again, my thoughts consuming me once again. There was a clatter by the door that I hardly noticed until someone sat next to me. James. I could tell it from the feel of his breath on my neck. No one else dared to come so close to me, and I wished he would follow suit.  
  
"I do not appreciate it when you come in such close proximity, Mr. Potter. Back up." I couldn't move anywhere; James was sitting so close next to me that he extended an arm in front of me, resting on the windowsill, which was on my other side. I was boxed in. I do not like being boxed in.  
  
"Lil-ly" James had a was of saying my name like no one else would, like he owned me and no one else could say it. I didn't like it.  
  
"Back up Potter." I repeated, a deadly tone to my voice. Do not mess with me, I will win.  
  
"Lily I never got a thank you for helping you with your trunk." James had a somewhat mischievous grin on his face. I dreaded to hear what he had in mind.  
  
"I gave you your thank you, you just didn't hear it, Potter. Next time you should listen harder." I said tersely. James wasn't giving me room, and wasn't going away. I looked from out of the window, to around my compartment, and saw that Sirius had left, and that Remus Lupin, another boy in their band of four, was sneaking out. That left me with Potter. Oh how pleasant. Not.  
  
"Hmmm, well I had something different in mind." James's voice got husky.  
  
"You always do." I was disgusted. He was a vile person, who could possibly want to stay around him?  
  
"Not always. But Lily, why don't you thank me again? I could do another real nice thing for you." I hated that look in James's eye.  
  
"No, once was enough, on both accounts. Mr. Potter, please back up, [I]for the last time![/I]" James didn't move an inch. That's it, you want a fight Potter? You've got one.  
  
"Lily, why don't you call me James, or anyone by their first name, in fact?" James had the nerve to question me? Who did he think he was?  
  
"Its none of you business." I gave him a hard shove, accurately placing my hands on his chest and pushing with such force that he fell off the seat. He looked up, surprised, from the floor.  
  
"I think it could be." James regained himself and seat next to me again. Doesn't this boy ever give up?  
  
"I think not. And unless you want to lose House Points before we've even earned any, I suggest you stop you antics, Potter." I looked out the window again. The sky was rapidly turn dark, and the sun was almost set. The last hints of pale pink and orange were leaving the sky as the sun sunk below to horizon. It was noticeable that the lights in the compartment were on, throwing a soft, candle-lit glow upon everything.  
  
"You can't do that Lily." James's voice had that annoying 'I know something you don't know' singsong tone to it.  
  
"And why can't I? I'm head girl." I smirked. I had a whole lot more jurisdiction this year, and this year, I would put the 'Marauders' as James had dubbed his crew of friends, in their place. It was an extremely pleasant thought.  
  
"Because I'm head boy." James smiled grandly, as if he had the world given to him on a silver platter.  
  
"There must have been some mistake. You, Potter, cannot even sit through detention without getting in trouble. Will you back up?" I snapped angrily. He kept inching closer to me, and it was unsettling.  
  
"Lily, Lily, Lily! Why in heaven's name would I want to back up? I like being so close to you." James took my hand in his, but I snatched it away. I stood up, and so did he. I was short, he was average. He was well muscled, I was thin. He was my opposite, and yet, I can't help but thinking, he is my equal, at least when it came to using magic.  
  
"Potter, do not make me curse you." I fingered my wand in my pocket. I've missed doing magic over the summer.  
  
"Lily, I could curse you before you could even think about it." James laughed. Weak, does he think I am? I drew my wand and raised it at eye level.  
  
"Want to check?" I said nastily. James probably didn't even have his wand on him.  
  
"Lily, must you do this? We could be so good together." James cooed, running a finger down my wand, then gently but with force, taking it from me.  
  
"Potter, you know how I stand on that. I'd rather eat slugs than date you." I might be wandless, but not powerless.  
  
"I don't think that's quite true. And we could figure that out easily." James twirled my wand in his hand.  
  
"Want to hex me, go ahead." I replied defiantly. If there was one thing I could count on, it was James not wanting to curse, hex, or jinx me in anyway; both he and I knew that.  
  
"A proposition, first? Date me. You know you want to, and now you have and excuse: you can tell people that I threatened you. But try it, you may just like being my girlfriend." James was so full of himself it made me sick. I grabbed at my wand, surprising James and getting back possession of it.  
  
"The tables have turned, Mr. Potter. Now, unlike you, we both know that I am more than willing to live up to my promises. And I [I]promise[/I] to hex you if you don't leave now." I smirked. I had the upper hand; James could do nothing but concede.  
  
"This isn't the end of it Lily, just you wait. I'll show you what you could have with me. And it will be the best thing you've ever seen." James swept out of the compartment. Thank goodness he's gone.  
  
I have to admit it, I like sparring with James. He keeps me on my toes with all his dirty tricks. ~*~  
  
As I lay in my bed, waiting to sleep, my thoughts become unusually active. I am more creative at this time, right before I fall asleep. I let my mind wander, giving my thoughts no structure. My attention jumps about, from one thing to the next, and it rests on James Potter. Even thinking about him makes my blood boil, the self-absorbed hypocrite!  
  
What I wouldn't give to have him leave me alone. He made a point to sit next to me during dinner, bringing his annoying prattle with his friends along. If there's one thing I hate, its chitchat. I can't stand senseless drivel about nothing! And of course, all James talks about with his friends is nothing: quidditch, pranks, all sorts of stupid, meaningless things.  
  
His hair bothers me. Well, not exactly his hair itself, but how James thinks he's so cool by constantly messing it up all the time. I think that bothers me just as much as him constantly asking me out does. Lets see. he asked me out at least 15 times during dinner tonight, and his friends either a) encouraged him, and told me to say yes; or b) told me to say no and laughed outright at James. They can't even make up their minds. I can't stand them.  
  
But why am I thinking about them then? Probably because I can think of nothing else, they annoy me to the point where all other thought is blocked out, because I am angry. Even so, I must let go, and then I can be at peace.  
  
I walked down to the common room, and curled up in front of the fire. Maybe I can find peace from my thoughts one day. ~*~  
  
I was walking in a forest. Just walking. I came to a clearing, and I walked into the center of it. I could feel someone watching me. I turned around. No one. But I could still feel their presence, more and more clearly. Someone was here with me, and it was unnerving. And then I woke up. I bolted upright, hitting my head on something.  
  
"OW!" It was James Potter's voice above me. I looked at him crouching next to me. I remember, I went to the common room last night; I must have fallen asleep on the couch.  
  
"What were you doing?" I accused. My head hurt, James had a very hard jaw.  
  
"Nothing, just going to wake you up until you did so on your own." James rubbed his jaw; it was red.  
  
"Never do that again." I couldn't stand him. I vowed never to fall asleep down here again, who knows what jokes and pranks he might have pulled. I rubbed my head, I just knew a bump was forming.  
  
"You know, Lily, you should really try to be nicer to everyone. People will start thinking you're a cold-hearted b!tch." James laughed shortly. I didn't find it funny.  
  
"Whatever sinks your ship." I gave him a very fake smile.  
  
"Isn't it whatever floats your boat?" James asked puzzled; he was still sitting on the floor next to me.  
  
"I can say it however I please, Potter." I rolled my eyes. I blinked hard, gosh my head hurt.  
  
"You ok?" James reached out, lightly brushing my hair out of my face. I grabbed his arm.  
  
"Don't touch me." I was firm. Not mean, but firm.  
  
"So you're not ok." James had a self-satisfied smile on his face.  
  
"I'm just ducky, now will you leave?" He just gets on my nerves!  
  
"If you're ducky, then how many fingers am I holding up?" James held up two fingers, and his thumb behind the pointer finger.  
  
"Three. I know the trick, Potter." I was unmoved.  
  
"Good one, isn't it?" James grinned. He was content to spend the morning bantering with me, I guess. But I wasn't.  
  
"As nice as it isn't talking to you, Potter, I have to get ready." I moved to get up, but James stopped me.  
  
"Its always a pleasure to talk to you, Lily. But call me James." James put both his hands over mine, which were on my lap. I was literally stuck. I could not get up, James was in front on me, and I couldn't move to either side as he had my hands.  
  
"Let go of me."  
  
"Not until you call me by my first name."  
  
"Potter, let go."  
  
"First name."  
  
"JAMES!" I screeched his name, as he leaned in. The frickin' b@stard kissed me!  
  
"Now wasn't that nice?" James pulled slightly away, leaning his forehead against mine.  
  
"Potter, get away from me you. you." I couldn't speak I was so angry. How dare he kiss me, then ask me if I liked it! I would never like kissing him, not in an eternity.  
  
"Mmm, breathless I assume. How about another one?" James kissed me again. I HATE HIM. THAT GODDAMMED B@STARD.  
  
[I] "Stop it, unless you want a citation of sexual harassment." [/I] I hissed. James finally pulled away from me, but he still had my hands, and I couldn't get up. Curse him for being so strong! Curse me for being weak! Curse.  
  
"Lily, that was wonderful. You know you are a [I]great[/I] kisser?" I wanted James to shut up. He kissed me, I didn't kiss him.  
  
"Potter, I'm warning you. If you ever come near me again, I'll kill you." I narrowed my eyes. This was war, not James's rendition of 'Taming of the Shrew'. I am happy being the shrew I am.  
  
"Lily, Lily, how can I not go near you? I love you so much! I love your [I]kisses[/I], I love your insults, and I love your [I]passion[/I]. I would never leave you alone, not in a million years." James grinned at me. I tried to wrestle free from him, but it wasn't working. My previous assumption was right, he is stronger than me, and I am still stuck.  
  
"Well, I [I]don't[/I] love you, and I won't in a million years. Get it straight. I hate you James, I hate you so very, very much." I told him plainly. There was no reason to be angry, all it will do is make me lose control. I must always be in control of myself.  
  
"Well, it looks like you're stuck with me, because I'm not leaving you alone." James grinned. I would have hit him if my hands were free. I closed my eyes. I listened to the universe, began concentrating. I ignored James, and his stupid comments. I ignored him trying to kiss me again. Suddenly, my hands were free and James and I were standing up. I drew my fist back and drove it into his jaw. James staggered back, holding his face.  
  
"Didn't know you could hit, Evans." James checked his jaw by moving it to see if it was ok. He winced, but it didn't seem broken. He didn't seem angry, either. Instead, he seemed surprised that I got free from him.  
  
"Never come near me again." I sneered, and swept up the girl's stairway. It was 5 am. ~*~  
  
I hated James. How dare he just kiss me like that? He has guts, I admit it, but I can't believe he did that! That pig-headed, male chauvinist SOB. I stomped around my dorm, getting ready. I didn't care if I woke up the whole tower; I was angry, angrier than I had been in years. He had no right to take that from me, no right. I wanted my first kiss to be with someone special, not [I]him[/I]. I was so angry; tears sprang to my eyes, tears of frustration. I hurried quickly to the bathroom, ignoring my roommate's sleepy grunts and complaints.  
  
I turned on the water to a shower, stripped and got in. The water was icy cold, and it felt refreshing. My tears were washed away, flowing freely with the water that cascaded over me. I hated him so much.  
  
"Lily? Are you ok?" a friend of sorts, Melissa Chalot, was calling my name. I stuck my head out of the shower stall.  
  
"I'm just ducky." I told her, flashing a quick smile at her. She didn't believe me.  
  
"You sounded pretty upset in the dorm." Melissa sat on the bench outside the showers, next to my clothes. I didn't want to go into explanation, but I sighed loudly, and obliged her. At least she cared enough to get out of bed, to see if I was all right.  
  
"Potter was being the low, vile creature he always is. It was magnified to a point this morning." I called over the sound of my shower. I hiccupped, and hoped she didn't hear it. I always hiccup when I try not to cry.  
  
"Lily, already? Its barely 5!" Melissa heard the hiccup, I know it. She has that motherly tone to her voice.  
  
"Yeah. I fell asleep in the common room. He woke me up. Things went from there." I told her. I turned the water off, and stuck my hand through the curtain. Melissa handed me my towel.  
  
"What are you not telling me?" Melissa had the uncanny ability to tell if someone is lying or not. In third year, she taught me as best she could to do the same. I got better as time went on, but not as good as she is.  
  
"He kissed me. Twice." Another hiccup. DAMMIT.  
  
[I]"He kissed you?"[/I] Melissa's jaw probably hit the floor.  
  
"Yeah. I don't want to talk about it. And you won't either." I was firm about that. I wrapped the towel around me, and stepped out of the shower.  
  
"Don't worry Lily, I won't tell a soul." I could always trust Melissa to her word. ~*~  
  
It's the beginning of the 3rd class of the day, and my life officially sucks. And I mean sucks. I never liked Potions, but the NEWT level Potions was just plain awful. The teacher, Professor Mudcrim, hated me, and well, let's just say the feeling was mutual. He was head of the Slytherin house, and it was very obvious to every student that he favored his own house above the rest.  
  
"Today, we will be making a complex recipe, Enamoring Potions. Can anyone tell me what the properties of the Enamoring Potion is?" Mudcrim's beady eyes roved the room. When it was clear no one was going to answer, I called out my reply.  
  
"It is in likeness to a love potion, but the enamoring potion isn't as strong. It creates a fond, crush-like experience for the drinker, upon the person the potion is focused on. It also gives the drinker a sense of euphoria whenever the person they are 'enamored' with is nearby, and a miserable state when the person is gone. To enhance the effects of the potions, simply add more armadillo bile"  
  
"Ten points from Gryffindor Miss Evans, don't call out next time. But yes, as always Miss-know-it all is correct. I will be pairing you for your lab. You will be making the potion and testing it on each other. All partners will be female-male, so no ideas." Mudcrim glared at Sirius and James, who had mischievous grins playing on their faces. I didn't care anymore that Mudcrim took points off me, I was only grateful it was only ten points.  
  
"Now, on to the partner assignments." Mudcrim had a special fondness for pairing his students with the people they hated most. Most of the time, I was stuck with Severus Snape, a favorite student of his, and one that I have completely loathed since my fifth year, usually more than I hate James. I tuned out the other names; I really didn't care about them. I let my thoughts wander until I heard my name.  
  
"Miss Evans, you'll be paired with Mr. Potter."  
  
"LILY DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE HERS, JAMES IS ALREADY ENAMORED WITH HER!" Sirius shouted from the back of the classroom, sniggering heavily. He was amazingly happy for being paired with his cousin, Bellatrix.  
  
"That will do, Mr. Black. Students, before you start working, this lab is worth three test scores, and will be graded heavily on whether or not your potion is effective." Mudcrim smiled nastily. I wanted to DIE.  
  
"Professor, please, could I have a new partner? Potter will [I]poison[/I] me!" I immediately went up to Mudcrim. I wouldn't put it past him.  
  
"Miss Evans, there is nothing you can do to change partners. I suggest you get started on your potion if you want it done in time." Mudcrim was just plain spiteful, all because I called out. I trudged back to my cauldron. James was already there, setting up his own, and humming some happy tune.  
  
"Shut up, Potter." I snapped, and pulled the supplies out of the student cupboard, enough for both of us.  
  
"Thanks, Lily!" We were to make a batch together, up to the point where the potion had to be split so that we could each add ingredients to focus the potion on us. I got to work, telling James what to do, telling him how much of each ingredient we needed. Other than orders, I didn't talk to James. He had a slight bruise on his jaw from where I hit him- twice this morning now that I think of it. My anger burned, I can't think about that now. Not now.  
  
"Lily?" James was asking me a question.  
  
"What?" I glared. It was bad enough having to work with him, and now he wanted me to talk to him? After this morning?  
  
"Don't we add the armadillo bile now?" James held out a glass vile.  
  
"Hmm? Oh, yes, I think we do." I took the vile and added it. The potion bubbled red. I looked around. Everyone else's was pink. Sh!t. I already added bile. Now it had.. way too much.  
  
"Potter! I'm going to kill you!" I turned toward him, ready to lunge for his neck when he backed out of the way.  
  
"Guess I messed up, huh?" James asked innocently, as I poured out two glasses. James yanked out one of his hairs, then one of my own.  
  
"OW!" He could have asked me for a piece, rather than pulling a healthy one out.  
  
"Sorry." I could tell he wasn't. He added the hairs, one to each glass. Mine turned green, and his blue.  
  
"Professor, we're done." I called out, getting Mudcrim's attention.  
  
"Now, class, Potter and Evans are done. They will sample the potions, and we will see how the effects are when humans take the enamoring potion, rather than our usual lab rats." Mudcrim had an evil grin on his face.  
  
"Professor, I must object, this is not safe-" I began, but was cut off.  
  
"Why not, Miss Evans? Is there something wrong with the potion?" He asked with a 'just-try-it' tone to his voice.  
  
"No sir, but-"  
  
"If anything goes wrong, Miss Evans, I have several antidotes on hand, and the nurse has more." There was no way out of this. Pass the class, or save myself.  
  
"I have no problem taking it." James grabbed my glass, the green one, and downed a sip.  
  
"Tastes like cherry." James grinned.  
  
"Lily loves cherries!" Melissa called out.  
  
"Miss Evans, the potion." Mudcrim moved the glass so it was right in front of me.  
  
"Miss Evans, now." Mudcrim was getting upset, and sniggering was heard throughout the dungeon. I weakly picked up the glass. The potion was the color of sapphires, the most clear blue ones anyone could imagine. I brought the glass to my lips. I would take the tiniest sip, no harm in that?  
  
James tipped the glass; I ended up drinking half of it. Its tasted like nothing I had ever had before, or at least never thought of having a taste: it tasted like a warm summer's morning, with a fresh breeze.  
  
"Potter!" I sputtered! "You-" I couldn't finish my sentence, I was going to be sick. With a hand over my mouth and an arm clutching my stomach, the last thing I remember is the room spinning. ~*~  
  
My eyes fluttered open. I was on the floor. A stone floor, and people were bending over me. I caught sight of two blue eyes, the same color as the potion I had taken, staring down at me, concerned.  
  
"Lily, are you ok?" James's voice sounded far away. I looked about, regaining my sense of self, what little there was. I could feel nothing but a blissful happiness. Mudcrim helped me up as everything became clearer.  
  
"You dumb fool!" Mudcrim hissed at James. "You made her drink too much! And you added too much bile, no?" Mudcrim directed his attention to my cauldron. In contrast to the dark pink everyone else's was, mine was red. Bright red. I blinked. Nothing was making sense, my thoughts were jumbled. I was in potions last time I remembered, and I still am. But what were we doing? Making enamoring potions. I had to drink James's. He gave me too much of our strong batch. I tried to summon hate and anger, but when I looked at James's pathetic, concerned and terribly guilty look, I couldn't. I just couldn't.  
  
"I'm fine." I said. Mudcrim looked at me strangely.  
  
"I'm fine. I will be fine. Can I go now?" Everyone was looking at me funny. I was uncomfortable.  
  
"Do you know what we were just saying, Miss Evans?" Professor Mudcrim enunciated his words.  
  
"Mmm? You were talking?" I honestly didn't hear anything. "Everything is still kind of fuzzy." I blinked, perhaps for a second too long.  
  
"I was saying, Miss Evans, that with the strength of the potion you took, and the amount, the effects of it could last for almost a week, maybe a little longer."  
  
"I guess I have to deal then?" I wasn't angry, I didn't know why, but I wasn't. I looked around me, every student had their mouth open, staring at me. It was a bit unsettling. James, on the other hand, looked delighted. Mudcrim looked grim.  
  
"Evans, Potter, your potion, though much too strong is effective. I regret to give you both full marks." Mudcrim made the note on his clipboard of the class's working grades.  
  
"Oh James, isn't that wonderful? Full marks!" It slipped out before I could really stop myself.  
  
"Yeah, Lily, it is." James had a wonderful smile on his face. It practically split his face in two. The bell rang. The potions was over, now it was time for charms. NEWT charms that is. All of my classes were NEWT classes.  
  
"Class dismissed." Mudcrim announced, and Melissa quickly came up to me, and grabbed our stuff. She hurried me away from James and down the corridor.  
  
"Hey, what's going on? What's the rush?" I asked, taking my bag as Melissa handed it over.  
  
"Saving you from James. Tell me everything you're feeling towards him right now, I need to know." It was my turn to look at her funnily.  
  
"James?" I let my thoughts drift to him. "I can remember hating him, and why. I know that I will hate him. But right now I can't hate him. I know I should, but I don't feel it, you know?" I tried to work through my thoughts aloud, but it wasn't working right.  
  
"So just besides the fact you aren't angry at him everything is the same?" Melissa sounded hopeful.  
  
"I guess, Melissa." I shrugged. She looked at my weirdly again.  
  
"Why are you calling everyone by their first names now?"  
  
"Hmm? Oh, I don't know. It must be that potion." My anger, started to rise, along with a sense of frustration.  
  
"This isn't fair." My throat was tightening painfully, we were almost at the Charms corridor.  
  
"It isn't." Melissa soothed.  
  
"I mean, its so d@mn confusing. I [I]know[/I] I hate James, I know I do. Its not like I can't remember all the crappy things he's done to me. But its like I can't get angry at him. And now I'm all unhappy and miserable." I knew I was venting, and it wasn't like me to vent, but I really needed someone to talk to.  
  
"So every time you see James, let your mind take control of your emotions. You've done it for years, why is this year different?" Melissa put a comforting arm around me.  
  
"You're right. I will just have to force myself to believe what is true, and not the lies my emotions are telling me." I had new determination. I was going to fight it. I was going to win. I pulled open the door to NEWT charms, and Melissa went in. I made to follow he, but I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned, my heart caught in my throat. It was James.  
  
"Lily, I'm sorry." It was James, as I had never seen him before. He wasn't mocking, but sounded truly sorry. My heart melted. Then I froze. I remembered what Melissa said. I must not let my false emotions control me. My mind is as the same as ever.  
  
"James, go away. Leave me alone." I said, but lacked the conviction it needed. D@MN THAT STUPID POTION!  
  
"Lily-" James looked as if he was pleading.  
  
"James. Just stop. I took that stupid potion, and my emotions are haywire now. Its as if I am PMSing. Don't mess with me. Just leave me alone." My anger at the potion was adding confidence to my voice. I can fight it, I guess, in a roundabout twisted way.  
  
"Looks like Lily really hated you if an strong Enamoring Potion can't make her like you." Peter laughed. I turned angry eyes at him. I couldn't fight it.  
  
"Peter, do you like being counted as part of the male population?" I narrowed my eyes, adding a dangerous tone to my voice.  
  
"Y-yes." Peter visibly trembled.  
  
"Then you shouldn't mess with me either, or you will find yourself without certain parts that define the male sex." I then turned and hurried into the classroom, before I said anything else I couldn't control. This was going to be a very hard week. ~*~  
  
Melissa was stuck to me like glue on a stick all through charms. It was almost getting annoying having her hover constantly. She wasn't happy about James confronting me at the door, and seemed animate about James not coming anywhere near me, therefore causing me to be miserable all during charms. He was across the room from me, and I could tell he was staring at me. I tried to tell myself that I hated James. I hated him a lot. But it wasn't working. I'd glance at him, then blush, since he was staring at me. I nearly slapped myself the second time it happened. and did the third.  
  
"Lily, you alright?" Melissa whispered in my ear.  
  
"Yeah. Trying to not look at him." I whispered back. This kind of closeness with another human was strange to me, yet comforting. I never really knew what I had been missing when I was by myself.  
  
"You'll be fine in a week, and then, you can curse him." Melissa giggled, causing me to giggle.  
  
"Miss Evans, will you please repeat what I just said?" The charms teacher, Professor Flitwick, noticed Melissa and me. He had a bit of a surprised look on his face. I've never done anything wrong in class, especially not this one, as it was my favorite subject.  
  
"Sorry, I think I missed it, Professor." I mumbled, feeling my face get all hot. I didn't talk for the rest of charms. When the bell rang, Melissa pulled me out of the room as fast as possible.  
  
"Geeze, any faster and I'll get windburn." I grumbled as she rushed me to the Great Hall for lunch.  
  
"I just don't want James catching up to us. He has a nasty habit of that." Melissa giggled.  
  
"Shall we sit?" I asked, stopping at my usual seat, about halfway down the Gryffindor table. Melissa shook her head no, and dragged me down to the seats closest to the teacher's table.  
  
"Firsties sit here." I moaned as Melissa sat on the end, and myself next to her. We were starting to eat when James plopped down next to me.  
  
"You two sure move fast. Trying to dodge someone, Lily?" Sirius Black grinned as he took a seat across from me. Remus Lupin sat next to him, on the end, and Peter Pettigrew sat across from James. I didn't like the arrangements, both glad and pissed that I was sitting next to James.  
  
"So how did you like charms, Lily?" James asked good-naturedly as he got himself food. I looked at my plate. I don't like him I don't like him I don't like him. Listen to yourself, Lily!  
  
"Fine." Maybe if I restrict myself to monosyllables, I wouldn't say anything wrong, right? If only things would work out that way.  
  
"James, if you don't leave her alone-" Melissa growled, from behind me. I looked at James from the corner of my eye. I could see him look disappointed, and yet defiant at the same time. Oh James. I sighed audibly. STOP IT! He looked at me. Look away you dumba$s!  
  
"I don't think Lily wants me too." Now this is weird. I think he's being smug but I can't help but. feel. all. [I]mushy[/I] about it. I HATE MUSHINESS. More than James. Well, that's not too hard now is it? Another sigh.  
  
"STOP IT!" The words burst from my lips. Finally. James looked at me with those big, gorgeous eyes. WHAT AM I THINKING?!  
  
"What did you say Lily?" James sounded a little worried. Big gorgeous blue eyes.  
  
"STOP IT." Tears of frustration sprang to my eyes. I hiccupped once, twice, and then ran from the Hall. I heard James calling my name as I dashed up the stairs. One, two, three staircases. Five Hallways. One portrait.  
  
"Lion *hic* Paw." I gave the portrait the password. I threw myself on the couch I had been sleeping on just a few hours ago. I cried. And cried. And cried. And then felt terribly silly. But not miserable, for some strange reason. I sniffed and picked my head up off the pillow. I was once again staring into two gorgeous blue eyes. No, not gorgeous. NOT GORGEOUS. Yes, gorgeous.  
  
"You run really fast." James was still breathing rather heavily.  
  
"Go away."  
  
"You don't mean that." James said, a smile on his face. A gorgeous smile.  
  
"Stop it!" I nearly started crying again.  
  
"What's wrong?" He was being too sweet. I had to get away from him before I couldn't keep control of my emotions anymore.  
  
"You bloody well know." Cursing, surprisingly, made me feel better.  
  
"Tell me, is liking me really that bad?" James brushed a lock of hair from my eyes. D@mnit, why ME?!  
  
"Yes!" I forced myself to say it. I nearly didn't, but I did. I tried to yell it, but it came out more of a whisper. James looked hurt. Really hurt. No, no, no don't do that. NO!  
  
"I have no control anymore. I think one thing and feel another. I still h- ." I couldn't get the word out.  
  
"Hate me?" James sounded so pathetic. I reached out and touched his face- then snatched my hand back. I have to be in control. Be in control, Lily.  
  
"Yes, I do. I just can't control this stupid potion!" A tear of frustration slipped out. Man, I've been crying a lot lately. Maybe I really am PMSing.  
  
"Lily." James took my hand, completely encasing it in his own. I had such tiny hands, I have never noticed it that much.  
  
"James, please just stop. Can't you see how hard this is? I can't even think right or be myself."  
  
"Lily, this could be a really good thing. I want you to get to know me better, for who I really am. And well, with your old points of view, you never even gave me a chance." No no no, stop it James! I don't want to pity you!  
  
"Please-" I began crying again. I hate crying. I really do. It makes your face all blotchy, your nose runny and your face puffy.  
  
"Shh." James wiped the tears from my eyes.  
  
"Stop." I couldn't make myself stop him. All I could do was ask him to. James lowered his hand, but still held on to my mine.  
  
"Lily, just give me a try? Just maybe?" He maybe playing on my weak emotions right now but I can still think. Think of how he treated you this morning, Lily. Think of what he did to you. Makes you angry, doesn't it? No, it makes me wish he would kiss me again. NO! NOT AT ALL.  
  
James leaned in, as if reading my thoughts. I couldn't turn him away. I wanted to too much. And at the same time, making it all the more confusing for me, I didn't want to. I kissed him back.  
  
"Lily.Its time for class. I'll walk you there?" James let go of my hands, and stood up. He extended his hand to me. I didn't accept it. I wouldn't even look him in the eye. I couldn't believe I kissed [I]him[/I], James Potter. I hated myself. Gosh, I just hate everything don't I? Well you know what, I HATE LIFE RIGHT NOW  
  
I left James in the common room without saying anything. He caught up to me. Damnit.  
  
"Lily, speak to me."  
  
"You've kissed me three times today." It's all I could think of.  
  
"Yeah, and I enjoyed every one." James seemed to be joking, but I didn't find it funny.  
  
"I asked you to stop though." I wasn't speaking really loudly. But I was getting my point across. I was pretty much torn. My emotional half wanted to throw my arms around James and kiss him again. My sane half wanted to slug him, or kick him in the soft spot. I guess this was the compromise.  
  
"Lily, look, I'm sorry. I know it means nothing to you, and that you really do hate me, but try to see it from my view. You've always hated me. I've always liked you. You've never given me a chance." James seemed glum. Not now, please not now. I must be unemotional. I will not let anything like before happen again, I will not.  
  
"James, that's not true."  
  
"What?" James looked at me funny. He obviously wanted an explanation. I had one, but did I really want to give it. My emotions said yes, drowning out my sane half that was screeching no.  
  
"First year James. I really liked you then. But you were horrid to me. Awful for the next few years. And then you just expected me to go out with you." I shrugged. I had to regain control. WHY DO HUMANS HAVE TO HAVE EMOTIONS?! Ok, Lily, you can fight this. No I can't. Yes, you can.  
  
"Really?" James gulped.  
  
"Really. Now if you'll excuse me, I have NEWT transfiguration now." I headed off, but James was still following me.  
  
"Why are you still here?" My words, normally scathing, were weak, washed out.  
  
"I also have transfiguration now. In fact, I think we both have the same schedules." James grinned, but the grin soon slipped from his face.  
  
"What?" I turned around. There was Melissa, with a look of pure fury on her face.  
  
"James, get away from her. Its all your fault in the first place." Melissa thrust my school bag at me and we entered the classroom. James was smart enough to stay away. Unfortunately, I was miserably unhappy because of it.  
  
"Lily, are you ok?" Melissa sat me at a table, and took the seat next to me.  
  
"Ducky. Just ducky." I said lack-lusterly. I glanced over at James, he was staring at me again.  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't follow you, Sirius used the Impediment Curse on me. I couldn't move until five minutes ago." Melissa sounded like everything that happened during lunch was her fault, and that she was the only one to blame. ~*~  
  
I think I'm going crazy. Really. Every thought is a battle. Yes, I like him. No, I hate him. Yes, I want this. No, I hate this. My thoughts are still mine, but my emotions are not. Its been almost a week now, and well, I've been miserable for half of it. Sometime, around Thursday or so, James decided to leave me alone. He won't talk to me, look at me, nothing. And because of the lovely potion that has caused my psychosis, I'm miserable. Not to mention that I'm losing my sanity. Its Saturday morning, 3 am. And I can't sleep. My thoughts are wrestling, fighting, warring I can't sleep. I haven't slept in days. I walked down the stairs to the common room, the fire soothes me. I stop on the last landing. I hear voices. Sitting carefully so that I made no noise, I eavesdrop on whoever it is.  
  
Its James and Sirius. I strained to listen, as the euphoric happiness of being near James floods me. Just his voice can do that to me. That deep, sexy baritone of his. NO, NO, NO!  
  
"She's not the same anymore." James sounded glum. My heart broke.  
  
"What do you expect? She's basically under a love potion. But remember she thinks the same, she just can't stop herself from feeling things. Things, that I might add, you wanted?" Sirius was being serious for once. I nearly giggled at the thought.  
  
"Yeah, but she's not the same person. I liked how she was mean to me, I guess. She had such a passion. Its just not the same. Every word out of her mouth is contradictory. It gets old, Padfoot. I just want her back. I liked her the way she was."  
  
"I might add that she is like this because of you. You slipped in the extra bile. You made her drink too much. You played her the first few days. Its amazing that she isn't fully crazy by now. I feel bad for her- imagine being in forced into love with Snape."  
  
I wondered how Sirius knew so much about me. Its as if he opened up my mind and looked in.  
  
"I know, I know. And I'd do anything to get her back the way she was. I liked her that way. She never let me have it easy and now. it just feels wrong." James sighed deeply. I just wanted to run down and hug him. no I don't. He feels bad about what he did! So? Its his fault. But he liked me the way I was! So? He has for years. But I like him back now! No I don't. or do I?  
  
I didn't want to listen anymore. I really didn't. But I couldn't help myself. Its like when you see a car crash and it's all gruesome and such and you want to look away but you can't, you just simply can't.  
  
"I never knew you had a conscience when it came to Lily." Sirius laughed.  
  
"Yeah, well, I really like her, mate, and I don't want this week screwing everything up more than it already is."  
  
"Like her? Admit it, you love her." Sirius laughed again.  
  
"So what if I do love her? Is it a crime?" James was getting all tetchy. Awww! NO! BAD! I HATE HIM I HATE HIM [I]I REALLY, REALLY HATE HIM![/I]  
  
Lily, shut up. You don't know what you're thinking. Yes I do. James has been an @sshole to me for 7 years. Yeah, and we've been an @sshole to him right back, for 7 years. And James really cares for us, he does. Us? Since when do I refer to myself in plural? Since you became of two minds. It will probably all stop when the potion wears off. It better. It should. I hope.  
  
I could hear someone getting up.  
  
"Well, its early morning, we'd better get a few hours sleep."  
  
"Guess so." Sirius's voice seemed to be getting softer. They were headed to their dorm. I slipped down stairs. I sat myself on my favorite chair, which was already pulled next to the fire. I thought back on the past week.  
  
I hate him. And yet I don't. I've seen and felt things about him, things I wished never had come into my knowledge. I sighed deeply, loudly.  
  
"Everything, alright, Lily?" I hadn't seen James. He was sitting on the couch, slightly behind the chair I was in.  
  
"Yes. Yes. Just-" I didn't know what to say. I don't even know what to think.  
  
"Trying to stay sane." I finished. It was true.  
  
"I'm sorry. I want you to know that I really do want you back to your normal self again, Lily, and that I really am sorry." James was pleading with me, and well, both sides of me agreed this time: forgive him already.  
  
"Its ok James. Really. And that's both of me saying that." I gave a short laugh. James smiled, but it was a sad, bittersweet smile. My emotional side tugged one way, the sane the other. Constantly this week I have felt like I was being pulled in two directions. It was always a battle, a constant hurt.  
  
"I'm gonna miss you, Lily. It's been nice having you around." James moved from the couch, to the chair next to me, so I wasn't practically all turned around.  
  
"Oh you never know how things might turn out, I might be permanently like this." I tried to make a joke. I don't think he found it funny. Actually, I was kind of scared I would be like this forever.  
  
"I hope not." Was his reply. I looked into the fire. The flames danced merrily, back and forth, up and down. So happy, so cheerful. I used to be fire; that was how I acted. Pretty to look at, get burned if you came to close. I looked over at James, who was leaning over, towards the fire, lost in its mesmerizing ballet. A piece of his messy dark hair fell into his eyes. The firelight flickered, throwing his sharp jaw line into soft relief. His dark blue eyes, once so clear, were shrouded by shadow, brooding mercilessly. He was truly handsome, and I have never taken the time to notice. I looked down at myself. A thin girl, no muscle. Dark red hair to the mid back, green eyes. Nothing stellar, but not ordinary. I was petite, short, vertically challenged, whatever you wish you call it. Over the years I had become cruel and harsh, reject all efforts towards human company. This week had showed me just how important friends could be.  
  
"I'm not Beautiful." I whispered, looking at the fire again. James looked at me, and laughed hollowly.  
  
"You are the most beautiful creature I've seen. If you were mine, I would never take my hands off you." James murmured.  
  
"No, I am not Beautiful. I have been too cruel to be Beautiful. I always wanted to be so, and now its really hit me, I'm not. And never will be." The flames were alive in their own sense, as they leapt about in the fireplace.  
  
"You are not cruel. Just-" James paused, and I looked at him, looking him in the eyes, for once. I can see eye to eye with you, James, and that means a lot.  
  
"You're misunderstood, even by yourself. You forget how you help the younger students, no matter what. You forget how you enforce the rules, and tell the Marauders to lay off being rotten to the little ones. You forget- that you are Beautiful." James was meeting my eyes, and I could see into his soul, practically. What I saw there, both gladdened, and frightened me. He loved me. He really did.  
  
"I am not, can not, be Beautiful." I bit my lip, not breaking eye contact with James. One can learn so much from another's eyes, and I was just looking for the first time now. I could feel his own eyes bore into me, searching me, my soul, for answers. I felt naked beneath his stare, like there was nothing I could hide. James Potter is my equal, and not just in magic. I broke eye contact. It was too. heavy, meaningful, evocative to keep it going.  
  
"I'll see you in the morning. Good night James, thank you." I hurried up to my dorm. I laid on my bed. that was truly the most trying moment of my life. ~*~  
  
The next morning I felt normal. And I mean NORMAL. I went down the stairs, and stood in the common room for a moment, relishing the feeling of normalness. The common room was slightly filled.  
  
"Lily?" James came up behind me, and put a hand on my shoulder. I squirmed away, and faced him. Now to rejoice in my anger.  
  
"What do you want, Potter?" I sneered, taking in his rumpled, 'I-didn't- sleep-last-night' look. The rest of the Marauders were behind hind, holding back slightly.  
  
"I take it you're feeling normal?" Rather than sounding unhappy, like I thought he would, he sounded surprisingly. excited.  
  
"What's it to you?" I asked, the disgusted look not leaving my face. O to be mean again, to be in control of myself!  
  
"Everything." James caught me in his arms and spun me, he was so damn happy. Then, he kissed me. I nearly gave in, still being weakened by that D@MN potion, but I fought. THAT B@STARD! HOW CAN HE DO THIS TO ME? DOES HE LIKE TORTURING ME? WHY DOESN'T HE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO KISS ME ALL THE TIME? WHY DO I HAVE TO LIKE IT? Wait. what was that?! Where'd that come from?  
  
James released me when he was done, and practically skipped out of the common room, leaving me boiling mad, and everyone else in the common room a little more than stunned. I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM. WHY ME? I THOUGHT THIS WAS OVER!  
  
I crossed the common room, no one spoke a word to me, though they were all staring at me. I said nothing, but I was LIVID. I was shivering with rage when I got down to breakfast, and could barely eat.  
  
I managed toast, and some orange juice. And the whole time, I kept my mind almost blank, concentrating on and reveling in the anger towards James that I felt. As breakfast progressed, and the Gryffindor table filled up, my anger was acting like a snake turning this way and that.  
  
And then it hit me, as I stood to go to the common room. I wasn't angry at James, I was angry at myself. Angry at myself for liking James. I kissed him back this morning, no matter how I wanted to deny it. I hated myself. I was confused and angry. Not a good combination. I flew up the stairs and ran to the Astronomy Tower, where I climbed onto the roof; it had been my secret hiding spot for years. And I found it to be occupied by the only person I really wanted to avoid: James. He was staring off at the horizon, watching the sun rise higher into the sky. The Astronomy Tower was the tallest tower in Hogwarts, it scraped the clouds when there were any. James was sitting, thinking about something. My stomach flipped uncomfortably, and I tried to regain myself. Being unseen, I studied him for a moment.  
  
I think its because I saw him for who he was this week, and I mean, who he REALLY was. James Potter was a teenage boy, in love with a girl. He had friends with whom he let off pent up energy with, by playing pranks and practical jokes, and going on adventures. He was the chivalrous type of guy, holding open doors, pulling out chairs; that was, when he wasn't pulling the chair out from under you. James used the joking as a way to avoid facing the responsibility he knew he had to come to terms with. He was ready, but he was afraid. James was smart, kind, and for all I know, good on the most part. He doesn't dabble with the black arts, he doesn't hurt people. except for Severus Snape, whom he has a personal grudge against. I watched him silently, watching as the wind blew across him, causing his hair to ripple. He didn't touch it once, like when he was in my presence, or in any girl's presence. This was James being James, not the [I]godly[/I] James Potter, quidditch star and Head Boy, whom [I]every[/I] girl wanted to date. No, he was just James. A boy who loved a selfish girl. I thought back on what he told me about myself; that I was Beautiful. I decided to find out now. But I couldn't, my courage failed me.  
  
"Oh, sorry, I didn't know this was occupied." I mumbled loudly, turning to leave.  
  
"Lily? Oh, no, don't leave. You come here often?" James scooted over to make room for me. He patted the shingles next to him. I reluctantly walked over and sat. This was my hiding place, MINE.  
  
"Yeah, when I want to think." I drew my knees up and watched the sun lazily rise higher in the sky.  
  
"Funny, so do I. Been coming here since first year."  
  
"Me too. Strange, we never ran into each other." We were silent for a moment, and the tension was so thick you could cut it.  
  
"Do you want me to leave so you can think?" James looked over at me and I met his eyes.  
  
"No, its ok." I shrugged. I looked back over the Hogwarts grounds. Gosh, I was going to miss this place. 7 years of my life here, all of them anticipating leaving, and now when the time comes, I don't want to. I sighed loudly. James sat with one knee drawn up, one arm resting on it.  
  
"There's a quidditch scrimmage today." James said, trying to break the silence.  
  
"There is?" I don't follow quidditch; I really don't care for sports that much. Many students went to watch the matches and the scrimmages, especially the first scrimmage of the year, when all returning players and a few new ones would battle it out, feeling out their opponents for the year to come.  
  
"Yeah, you coming?" James sounded like he already knew I would say no. Normally I wouldn't go. but something this year compelled me to.  
  
"Sure, why not? I have nothing better to do." I muttered. James looked at me again, with those searching eyes.  
  
"Lily, thank you. I really am glad you could forgive me last week. You have no clue how sorry I was." James talked into the wind, which whipped his words back at me. I didn't know what to say. I mean, what should I say? I didn't say anything, but looked at my knees. James put his arm around me. Oh my. what should I do? Should I tell him off? Should I. Lily, stop thinking and just go with it! I leaned into him a bit, letting my knees drop. I don't know why, but it just felt right, being there, on the roof, alone with James.  
  
"Lily" James breathed in my ear.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I love you. I just wanted you to know." I could tell James was blushing, I could hear it in his voice.  
  
The trapdoor to the roof burst open loudly. I didn't have to turn around to know that it was Melissa.  
  
"Uh.Sorry, I'll just leave now." She mumbled, neither James nor I looked back. The trapdoor slammed shut.  
  
"James?" I heard myself say.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You're not so bad." What was that?! You're not so bad? Lily, you are such an IDIOT!  
  
"That means a lot to me." James nuzzled my neck, sending shivers down my spine.  
  
"I feel silly." It slipped out, it really did. I didn't [I]mean[/I] to say that. but I do.  
  
"I know, so do I. We're sitting on a roof, with the person we've fought with for what, 7 years now? It is kinda strange. But right, you know?" How can he just know what I'm thinking?!  
  
"Yeah, its right." I murmured, laying my head on his shoulder. We didn't say anything for awhile, it was unneeded. Everything that had to be told was known, and that's all that mattered. We truly understood each other, for once.  
  
"Lily?" James was speaking again.  
  
"I have to go. I don't want to but I have to. Will you come with me?" James looked at me. His eyes, oh his eyes! How can I say no to those loving eyes? Those eyes that plead, those eyes that doubt.  
  
"Yeah, I think I will." James hugged me, not just one-armed squeeze kind of thing, but a genuine hug.  
  
"I never want to let you go. Never." His whispered in my ear, holding me.  
  
"Then don't."  
  
"Please, Lily, let me be your boyfriend. Please. I love you." He sounded so sincere. My heart broke. How can I refuse him? I mean, how can I? If what he did before to me was out of desperation, desperation for my love, then who am I to deny him it once more, when I have denied him of it for so long? And just the way he phrased it. 'Let me be your boyfriend'. Not 'Lily, go out with me' or 'Be my girl, Lily.' He wants to be MY boyfriend. Somehow, I think that's different. maybe?  
  
"Yes James, yes." And we kissed. It wasn't like any of the ones he had stolen from me before, this one was mutual, and breath-taking. I never wanted it to end. This was how I wanted my first kiss to be: pure, meaningful, Beautiful. It will be the first of many, I can tell. And strangely, I don't care anymore. I don't care if anyone sees us, I don't care if I fail all my classes. I have James, and that's all that matters.  
  
~*~ 


End file.
